What I Will Do To You and Why You Will Love Me Anyway

I will enter the house of your soul with
Chili pepper lights
String them up above your head

Dance on your rug to loud music you will not like

Bake awful pies and order takeout

Paint garish colors on your ceiling and tell you how they work together

Throw parties where I am belle of the ball and
Flutter my wings until
The breeze whistles in your ears

You can run as fast as you like but not keep up with my
Train of thought

You will never give me enough attention
There isn't enough

You will not understand my words, at least not
All of them

You will disappoint me
Not once but many times

But I will glow in such a way that will make you wonder
How you lived without light before I entered
Your house

Chronicle

It becomes like a shrine
this clever article
of faith
that tells a convincing story
washed in fiction
of what will become
of my willingness
to love

In each chapter, each word
lives ten thousand years of
faded believing
I lived it
I told it
I shared the gifts from this book

And they were left outside my temple
like unwanted children
The bitter cold of
rejection biting at their hearts
tears stain their cheeks
not marred by contempt
but only
indifference

It is an alter of burned faith
where these yellowed
paper leaves shuffle with their own life
their brittle truths still shine
and some have used that light
inhaled it
filled themselves up
became inspired, yet still
exhaled and walked away

The pages shift in the wind
fall open to the perfect place where
that epic ended in a sad whisper

But the next line is
"Once Upon a Time..."

Crystal Mountain

Where is my sign?
My omen
White owl
Black stone

That which chooses
The paths
That I must
Live
Walk and own

My soul can wander
Aimlessly
It has done so for years

No destination
No end
No place
Black eyes
Gray heart
White face

Bones bleached
And stacked
Upon them only a brief
Rain fell
Pale tears

And they spoke to me of
My paralyzing fears
That keep me frozen
In my own time

Suspend me in
Dark discord and
Lock out my rhythm
Disconnect my rhyme

Out of mind
Out of sight
Out of body

That wisp of spirit
Wanders
The blackened roads
Resists the pull

From the talisman
I seek
But never find

Defroster

It's just ice
That you can easily scrape away
With your forked tongue
Your bitter acerbic wit
Wipe clean the window
So you can see
What you are missing

Just frost
Obfuscating what you think
You want to look at
Your hot rage will melt
That thin curtain
Rough veil of glaze

Cracked like glass
The translucent puzzle
Cannot be reassembled
In a reasonable manner
The strange pieces will

Never fit together
Properly
Before they melt

Under the intensity
Of your
Burning gaze

THDAP

He swaggers over to us
Omnipotent and glistening with
The sweat of a hard-earned win

Tells us
I
Am Dr. Andrew Perry
The Pro

And we are impressed
To the point of adding
"The Honorable"

He promises to guide us
Through his world
Of serves and volleys
Of dives and faults

He cocks his boyish curls
Coquettishly to one side
As he asks, "So, you girls play often?"

And we say no, no we are
Mere beginners
Lacking the skill to even keep score

He extends his hand for us
To shake
Then the Good Doctor
Returns to the presumable
Ass-kicking of his unlucky opponent
Telling us that he is available
To assist
Every Saturday morning

As he returns, prowling, to the court
We watch in wonder
And Alison plans
My next wedding

Diana, Or Maybe Artemis

The moon full
Swelled, imperious,
Pale gold,
Inches from the hills.

Its light looks cold
But we know
Better.

It shows only its hot face,
Its light forces and fills
Radiates the fair shine
Like that light that smile that fast happiness
That comes from mine.

And in kind,
I will show you just one side-
I wonder if you will ever know
That there may be difference
between
That which I reflect
And that which I glow.

There may be a way for me
To turn my head
Display the black face,
Bathed in darkness,
Open to the icy vacuum of space;
Frosted,
Cratered,
Rough.
Cool dust, pale snow.

So in this harvest time
I must decide
Which temperature
I am going
To show.

You Are Here

Quick!
Grab your shit and get it together-
Paper, beads, dust bunnies, crumbs, shoelaces-
Cuz nobody's coming.
Hold it hold it up above your head,
Sweat drips and your knuckles are cramping
and that's just
Too fucking bad,
Nobody's coming.
The cracks, creaks, splits, shifts, spiders
The flooding, the burning, the permanent marker
The mail, the parent's nite, the braces
The ever-fucking interminable dog pee-
You will hold it all up in the air.
You will slap on a band-aid.
Quick! Quick!
You will balance the broom stick and spinning plates,
Slice it and dice it,
Shine it up,
Cover it,
Kick it under the couch,
And do it all NOW
And at the end of the day
Nobody's coming.

Evacuate

Because the rain
is still
pounding...
its wash of forgiveness,
its obvious metaphor
to make clean
what I thought were
the sins
of a thousand years.

Because it's pouring...
the big drops strike the roof
it may not stand,
may not contain the furious rush
that brings home
not a thought,
but a promise.

And I cannot hold it,
cannot keep its bulk from
leaking out.

It runs across the pavement
the new, the stale, the sullen, the wise,
river of soul
runs into the gutters and sewers
into what I thought could
catch it-
hold it-
ride the waves of the oceans I create
and own,
operate with efficiency and economy.

But now it's only a river
that erodes the foundations,
longs for the sea that is not mine.

The undiscovered
uncharted
unknown.
Here there be monsters-
here I meet the edge
sailing blind on only my wit-
once sharp,
now rusted by
many many years
of rain.

Here

alive and awake
watch as I amaze you with
my unmitigated here-ness
my unapologetic presence
and the bubble in which
I ride the verb of being
still alive and awake
after all this time
the dark years
of cold and sleep fall away
spiritual dust
and I am
as yet
until further notice
alive and awake
defying all with my literal persistence


2007

Out

release
out in a rush
by my ear
goes the sizzle of air
white and cool
it has no breath
it has no voice here
but speaks
of the openness
it fills every square inch of this place
with a sibilant whisper
a pale liquid thought that streams
across my face
and carries with it
what seems to be
smoke
just smoke


2007

chakhra

surrender
in number four
the vortex of the sacred union
the middle
the start
the end

for that which I feel cannot be broken
for that which I know I cannot bend
will not be torn or discolored or stained

each fiber discrete and perfect here in this tiny sun
this heaving thumping thing just cannot be contained

and I surrender
see my palms trembling white
circles hide my face

I have no song within me for this fight
this mystic battle where I can never do what
is right
by me

so number four dilates, the gap closes
for me
and for my peace
and for my grace

Shake

I can feel it rattling in my chest
banging and clanging
ill-rehearsed orchestra percussion
out of time and out of present

my heart
dried and hard
makes my soft body a pathetic maraca
to be shaken by indifference
and mis-perception

it was once fleshed out
red and whole
connected to the sky by the golden ropes of your love
fluid and fat
until the grave rind of contempt
made it still and dark
an ebony fossil of melody
a relic of song
a dusty artifact of joyous harmony
encased in the shadow box
hanging on the wall
in the back hallway
where no one
ever goes

so maybe I'll play it for you
you will weep with obsequy for my lost hopes
I will move you tears with sadness of my own self-destruction
and you will hear the minor key
of my ill soul

Yoga Wants Me!

I am tottering on the path
of spiritual enlightenment
-unsteady from the coupla-three martinis-
somehow I missed the Buddha
maybe I passed out and he
stepped over my drunken ass
as he strolled blithely towards
Nirvana

I am holding my head
it's still throbbing from the margs
last night
that I consumed in an effort to commune
with a goddess
because I needed to feel that earth mother vibe
as if the sagging tits and stretch marks don't already give me
that distinction

The sharp smelling vines of Gaia grow up and over me
tangle my feet
their Druidian persuasiveness sends their tendrils
and shoots up my leg and that just made me think of my varicose veins

I propelled myself towards Shiva's myriad of
loving arms
but I stumbled out of half-moon before I could see the light
-I think it was the beers I had at 9:30 this morning-
and I skinned my fucking knee on the way down
I'm going to sit here on my ass and deflect the bad fucking chi with my
Chanel knock-off

So lets have a toast, a popular toast that we can all really get behind--
Namaste!!

Carl the Sage Betta

From within the murky bowl
the betta winks
you thought you had it going on, babe
and he's such an asshole
because i thought i did

because i slipped out of the noose and thought i'd
just walk away
rubbing the chafe marks on my neck
with lavender oil
and roses

because i thought it would all just die when it fell off
not writhe there on the ground
mocking me and trying to make me trip and
feel humble
inadequate
wretched
lonely
desperate

and that asshole fish just keeps going
why don't you just cry
you know you want to
but i don't
because i thought i was dessicated
from wrung out damp rag to
cool serene ethereal sparkling magic pretty everybody-loves-me

i walked away from the crash
not a fucking scratch!
you can't see a goddam bruise!
but it's there it's there, he says -that fucker-
under your shirt it's there
and it's a big one
and sure enough there it is
big one
red purple and black
really hurts
so don't poke it

because i thought it was going to dissolve
or rot
or turn into dust
but it's here with me
here with me
clinging cellophane bullshit
fuck!


but i'm the belle of the fucking ball!

Abierto!

Yet again
I am compelled to open the door
the pretty light teases through the keyhole
it twists in subversively
gossamer smoke and slippery whispers
touch my face
spill on to the floor

So I'm standing exposed
with the door open
wide
giving a fuck
(I have but few left to give)
flip up my soul the outside
like a shirt tag
you can read the instructions quite clearly
not lay flat to dry
but wash in like colors
so nearly and dearly
like mine
that they slip by

vibes

buzz
in the meadow of the yellow flowers
the old barn creaks
in the dry wind
the golden rod sways
buzz
we sit on the grass that stains our jeans
and makes us itch
its softness is almost more
than we can bear
almost
buzz
in twilight we lay down
on the rough blanket
brush away the stickers
meet in the cool stars
lightning in my spine
when
you touch my hair
buzz

Honeymoon

Fly to me, valentine
You are the bridge of space and time
In clouds of warmer colors you appear like mild and ethereal
Dreams
And in this winter of sacred sleep
My darkest blanket secrets keep you

We possess between us the Byzantine waste where
Each whisper, each touch, each new promise of ancient love
Resides immortal in the living stone of arches up above
In the mortal memories of each ageless sarcophagus below
And in the realm of brittle, yellowed kings
Are diamond sands that golden winds blow
Into furies of pretty charms and shiny rings
Through which we find the depth of religion
In subtle shades of black and jasmine

When I opened my window to the night you came
And with you the summer frost of moonshadows
Cast on closed eyes that
Continue to stare upward at the stars
My back against the last cool grasses of spring
Arms around the jet and radiance of sky
And in between the rush of lover's breath on white skin

We fly now, inside this indissoluble embrace
To the virgin grounds of our sacred winter place
Where we are not one soul
But two, twined blossom to vine;
Where we live, not in each other's hearts
But inseparable in the heart of god

1993

When

when fear cracks it screams
fights
thrashes wildly

it rips open with the sounds of
naked chaos
the earth splits, moans
tells you in stinking whisper
how small
you are

it beats against door
it threatens
and rages

finally begs
you to just
SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN
WHY CAN'T YOU TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT

when fear is dying
it whimpers softly

and then you can see the way
it invites
contempt

makes evident its fragile shell

its last whisper is
you are alone you are alone you are alone

and then

you are alone

with the corpse of fear


wear a red dress to the funeral

talk

and there are a million things
that i should never never say
i will stuff it down
stomp it
eat it eat it eat it eat it
chew the black asphalt
the blithe ubiquitous gravel
bland iron ozone
masticated with the tears
shed in silence with the blood from my bitten tongue
like i used to do when i was
young
so many years
ago

rock

i will dress up
in my necklace of stone
my pendant of polished concrete block
it swings in sharp arcs
it cracks my clavicle
i can match it with the iron bracelets
chafing my white wrists
i'll go to town with this rock around my neck
and if i fall in
the water
i'll drown
drown
drown